Not enough junk in the blogosphere, so...

Another useless meme. Don't know whether to blame writeprocrastinator or Katie Schwartz for this one. I'll blame Katie.

DO YOU SNORE?
We don't sleep here in the 5th dimension.

ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I'm a fighter. I fight Superman

WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Losing my stash of Kryptonite.

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
I was an Animaniac.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REALITY TV?
Archaelogists finding recordings of these shows in 500 years will understand exactly what our culture was about.

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
I chew on my fingernails.

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I'm the one for which the doctors coined the phrase, "The baby is ugly."

IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
Enough people have told me to fuck myself, that I think I'm a couple.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
I don't have one. I compose telepathically.

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
I don't shower.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
No, it's a stupid human trick.

ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Refer back to that fuck yourself answer.

WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Krypton.

CAN YOU SWIM?
With the sharks.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
No, Lonnie Lighto.

DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
I hate Queens.

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
Depends how far up Katie's ass it is.

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
If I do that, I lose my powers over Superman.

DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
I like to sharpen my little dick manually.

WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
A deer stand.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Refer back to that fuck yourself answer.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes, it's beautiful, like a doctor's.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Lex Luther.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, I LOVE YOU?
Refer back to that fuck yourself answer.

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
That's when I laugh.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
McMuffin

ARE BLONDES DUMB?
Yes, and I like them that way.

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
Stuck to the sheets by static electricity.

WHAT TIME IS IT?
Too late.

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
Mister Mister.

IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?
Refer back to the eggs response.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
I travel by teletransport.

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Neither.

IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
He was until I shot him for kissing my mommy.

DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
Haven't figured out how to do that myself.

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
I prefer white people.

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Fear and loathing.

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Jif creamy, because I cream in a jif.

CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
No, but I can crack my nuts.

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
No, but I've helped put other people there.

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Yes, I like free drugs.

ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
Refer back to the snoring response.

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
White.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
What's not to like.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
I see dead Supermen.

HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE?
Such a shame that Yogi Berra was a drunk.

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
I play Superman like a violin.

HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Money can't buy you love.

CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
Prefer Segway.

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Yes, I particulartly enjoy shitting in the woods.

DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
What's so funny? You think I'm funny, do you?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
God is alive, magic is afoot.

ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Only when they bite Superman.

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
Such a shame about Lois and Jimmy.

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I stowed away on Apollo 11.

DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
I'm perfect.

IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
As a witches tit.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Chocolate covered ants.

DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Yes, but only the clear stuff.

HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW?
I hate people.

WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
"What's the story, Jerry?"

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
I burned it down.

FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
!aH aH yawA eM ekaT ot gnimoC er'yehT by Napolen XIV

And finally my question:
CAN'T WE COME UP WITH ANY BETTER QUESTIONS?

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Hunger Ends in America

by Joe Fresser

Sounds too good to be true. But according to our government, nobody in America suffers from hunger anymore.

Well, OK, 35 million people may experience very low food security. Think I'm joking? Think I made that up. Oh, no, your taxpayer dollars paid for that euphemism. Ya see, according to the Washington Post:

Every year, the Agriculture Department issues a report that measures Americans' access to food, and it has consistently used the word "hunger" to describe those who can least afford to put food on the table. But not this year.

Mark Nord, the lead author of the report, said "hungry" is "not a scientifically accurate term for the specific phenomenon being measured in the food security survey." Nord, a USDA sociologist, said, "We don't have a measure of that condition."

The USDA said that 12 percent of Americans -- 35 million people -- could not put food on the table at least part of last year. Eleven million of them reported going hungry at times. Beginning this year, the USDA has determined "very low food security" to be a more scientifically palatable description for that group.

Bollocks! "Very low food security" is a more politically palatable description because nobody knows what it fucking means.

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How is Vietnam different from Iraq?

Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.

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Who said it?

"Once you've got Baghdad, it's not clear what you do with it. It's not clear what kind of government you would put in place of the one that's currently there now. Is it going to be a Shia regime, a Sunni regime or a Kurdish regime? Or one that tilts toward the Baathists, or one that tilts toward the Islamic fundamentalists? How much credibility is that government going to have if it's set up by the United States military when it's there? How long does the United States military have to stay to protect the people that sign on for that government, and what happens to it once we leave?"

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"Tuesday's losses were not excessive punishment for the party that has presided over what is arguably the worst foreign policy disaster in U.S. history."

- George F. Will

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Out from Under Bush's Skirt

by Mxyzptlk

John McCain now has a great opportunity to get out from under the President's skirt where he has been since the 2004 election season and reclaim his independence and integrity.

It will take a lot for this observer to forgive McCain for folding on the anti-torture bill, and I'm not pleased at his chiding of John Kerry last week. As a confirmed lefty, I'm quite unlikely to vote for McCain if he were to be the Republican nominee. But I sure would like to have straight-talking, honest candidates representing both parties. It would be good for the country no matter who wins.

As I wrote recently, the Straight Talk Express has been up on blocks and needs a new transmission. This is McCain's time to repair the bus.

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The New "Old Dominion"

by Mxyzptlk

The stunning victory of Jim Webb in the Virginia senate race indicates a shift in racial attitudes in that Commonwealth. I'm not a demographer, so can't say whether it's white people evolving their views, more African-Americans participating in the electoral process, more members of other ethnic groups voting, or a combination of the three. But given that George Allen was ahead by 16% (as expected) before his Macaca comment and people coming out of the woodwork claiming a history of Allen being racially insensitive (to say the least), I have to chalk the Webb victory up to a reaction to Allen's evident bigotry. And of course it helped that Webb is not some wild-eyed liberal, but a decorated veteran who has served in the Pentagon under a Republican president. The fact that Webb is a critic of the war in Iraq who has a son serving there helped, but the fact is he was well behind until Allen exposed himself (so to speak).

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Morning in America

by Mxyzptlk

Ah, so nice to wake up on a day with positive election news. First time in 10 years.

k-Fed up

But for a dose of surrealism, last night while I anxiously watched the returns in the Montana, Virginia and Missouri senate races, the ticker at the bottom of the screen on MSNBC broke the news that Britney had filed for divorce from K-Fed (now Fed-Ex).

I think his downfall had nothing to do with their actual relationship, but that he had the temerity to try and go to the fron of the stage. His correct role was as a background dancer, and had he stayed there I don't think Brit would have had a problem. The only thing I haven't figured out is who had the egg salad and who had the corn dog.

How to lose an election

A pundit said last night that Northern Virginia has been trying to secede from the Confederacy for some time. Virginia is indeed two states in one, but still, Northern Virginia does not have a majority of the population. So there was George Allen, ahead by 16 points in what should have been a cakewalk, but bigotry will out -- eventually -- and when you go Maccaca-crazy in a state with lots of people of South Asian descent and other first and second generation Americans, you may have stepped on a hornets nest and then those hornets decide to vote. And maybe even the Good ol' Boys down in southern and western V-A had a stirring of conscience and realized they could very well vote for a guy who was Undersecretary of the Navy under Ronald Reagan.

And as to the Senate

One TV commentator on Sunday said there was a deal between Hillary Clinton and Harry Reid that if the Dems took control of the Senate, Reid would yield to Clinton as Majority leader and Clinton would not run for President in '08. That would be a win-win-win. Reid is a weak leader for the Dems, and a bit of a loose cannon. Clinton has proved to be an excellent, hard-working Senator who knows how to do deals with the Republicans. But in a presidential contest, her baggage would surface and could be devastating. With a deal such as this, we would have both Clinton and (hopefully) now Kerry out of the way and a clear field of interesting hopefuls.

And as to '08

If the Dems have any shred of intelligence, they will select Denver for the 2008 convention. Colorado and the mountain west states are the center of growth for the Democrats. The Dems are not going to win back the south any time soon, despite a few hopeful signs. As a result of this election, the Democrats control the governorship and both houses in Colorado. There will be Democratic governors from Montana to Arizona. Given the un-conservative excesses of the Republicans since 2001, the Dems can position themselves as fiscal conservatives, strong on defense while remaining social liberals. In other words, the "liberals" are more conservative than the "conservatives." And true conservatism is based in the west (think Barry Goldwater)and has little to do with religion.

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Another good use for duct tape

by Mxyzptlk


While I'm on the subject of telling people to shut up... John Kerry, please shut up! You have again proved yourself to be self-absorbed, tone-deaf and not living in the real world of American politics. God help me if I ever support another candidate from Massachusetts.

First of all, you should have realized you had flubbed the line and could have corrected yourself right there and then.

Later, when your words were read back to you, you probably thought, "Oh, people will know what I meant." What freaking world are you living in? Of course they knew what you meant, but what difference does that make? You could have immediately made a three-part statement:

1. What I really meant to say was...
2. I sincerely apologize if... (like you finally did several days later)
3. But let's not be distracted from the real issue which is...

That would have been win-win-win. But you are a loser.

Some have criticized Hillary Clinton for jumping on the bandwagon of criticizing your statement. Well, cynically, yes, she could take some political advantage from it, because it gives her and any other Dem with ambition an opportunity to knock you out of the box for 2008. But I was thinking about what I would feel if I were a leading Democrat in this election season. I would be so pissed at you that I would disparage you just for the sport of it.

As to John McCain, we now know for sure that the Straight Talk Express is up on blocks because the transmission fell out. He has gone from shining-light-although-a-conservative-Republican to usual-Republican-weasel. Not much of a friend either, eh John?

Title of this post inspired by Andy Borowitz.

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The G. O. C.

by Mxyzptlk

What's the G. O. C.? It's my new name for the G. O. P. Perhaps my younger readers don't know that the latter, a traditional nickname for the Republicans, stands for Grand Old Party. My new acronym stands for Gnarly Old Closet from which another homo-fighting-God-fearing-right-winger is being forcibly ejected.

This one is not just some random pastor or just one Congressman out of hundreds.

Ted Haggard was president of the 30 million member National Association of Evangelicals, and a confidant of President Bush.

He has resigned in the wake of accusations from a former male prostitute that Haggard was a customer of his for three years. The former "escort" also played voicemail tapes of someone trying to get him to set up drug buys, and the voice sounded very much like Haggard's. As well, the accuser says he knew Haggard only by the name "Art." Haggard's middle name is Arthur.

Today, Haggard admitted buying methamphetamine from a male prostitute, who he said he was referred to for a massage. He claims he never used the meth and never had sex with the prostitute. Ah yes, bringing out the ol' Clinton I never inhaled defense. I've decided to believe the accuser, who says Haggard did inhale the drugs and something else, if you catch my meaning.

Salon's Lauren Sandler writes:

"Ted Haggard may not just be the most important evangelical you've never heard of, but the most important evangelical, period.

"Rick Warren may be the bestselling evangelical scribe since the Bible's original autographs. His 'Purpose-Driven Life' has sold more copies than any other nonfiction book in history, that is, if you don’t consider the Bible nonfiction. But he’s hardly got the ear of the president, with whom he doesn't always see eye to eye (or tooth for tooth).

"And even James Dobson, long heralded as the most influential evangelical in the world, lacks the pull with the evangelical movement he once did. Dobson never takes off his suit jacket, even at his desk, while Haggard can't stand the feel of anything but denim against his skin. Dobson has been seen by many evangelicals as stepping too far into the 'corrupt' dark side of Washington since he launched his PAC, while Haggard manages his influence carefully without the tarnish of politics ever marring his flawless gleam. It's Haggard who is the bionic hero of the young cadets and airmen he ministers to in his own megachurch, just down the road from Dobson's Focus on the Family. In Colorado Springs -- known alternately as the Vatican and the Washington of the evangelical world -- it is Haggard who is king, the crony and the conscience of his youthful parishioners as well as his president.

"Which is why it matters so that Haggard seems to have fallen. The Mark Foley scandal inspired plenty of people to question their devotion to the Republican Party. But Foley is a politician; most evangelicals would already suspect him of thinly cloaking his identity in a three-piece, pinstriped superego. Haggard, on the other hand, has always represented the real deal. He's the one John Wayne would have tapped for his posse. He's the one who represents most how deeply political this evangelical population can be, while always disdaining the notion of politics, always cleaving toward the ranch rather than the Hill.

"If that makes it sound like Haggard and Bush are peas in a pod, well, they are. Haggard participates -- or at least he did -- in weekly White House conference calls, and he and the president like to joke that the only thing they disagree on is what truck to drive.

"Haggard has been preaching against homosexuality with his typical charismatic fire-and-brimstone fervor ever since he founded New Life Church in Colorado Springs. Probably even before then. And if he's right that there is a special place in hell for gay fornicators and drug abusers -- not to mention for liars and charlatans -- I guess he knows where he's headed."

Bring out the chute and down he goes...hopefully taking some Republican candidates along for the ride. I almost feel bad for the true believers who line up behind scumbags like Haggard...almost, but not quite. Sadly, they're being "left behind."

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I would so do Helen Thomas

by Mxyzptlk

Helen Thomas has made a career of asking presidents and their press secretaries the hard questions. Here she is questioning Tony Snow yesterday at the White House (emphasis is mine):

Q Does the President owe the Democrats an apology* for saying that the terrorists -- that they will appease the terrorists?

MR. SNOW: No. Let's take -- you know what's interesting, Helen, and I've said this before --

Q How bellicose was he?

MR. SNOW: I don't think it's bellicose. Look, let's listen to what the Democrats -- or let's think about what Democrats are doing in this election campaign. When it comes to winning the war on terror, what is their plan? They've not said. They have talked about withdrawal --

Q -- 101 in Iraq --

MR. SNOW: -- they've talked about a whole series of things, in terms of complaining -- looking back over their shoulders and complaining about past decisions. But when it comes to the key issue, how do you achieve victory -- they say they want to achieve it, but they won't tell you how. They will tell you what they oppose what the President is doing. They oppose the Patriot Act; they have opposed the Terrorist Surveillance Program; they oppose the program by which we detain, question and bring to justice the worst of the terrorists. So they have opposed all of those things, so we know
what they oppose, but we don't know what they're going to do.

Q How does the President propose to win? How does the President -- 101 in October dying --

MR. SNOW: The President understands that it is difficult. This is a man who signs each and every condolence note. He is absolutely aware of the human cost. And he grieves for every family and every person that we've lost. But on the other hand, he also knows two things. First, as General Casey said last week, there is not a single military engagement that we have not won, and we don't give our soldiers credit for that. Secondly, he also understands that if we were to walk away short of victory it would give terrorists the opportunity to turn Iraq into a stronghold in which they would have access to the world's second largest reserves of petroleum; that they would be able to use oil as a political weapon against the United States, Europe, Asia, could pit the industrialized nations against one another; they could also work in concert with Iran and Syria, which have been active supporters of terror; they no doubt would try to go after Israel, after the Arabian peninsula, perhaps after Egypt. In other words, the consequences of walking out and leaving a failed state are absolutely catastrophic, and the President understands that. But he also understands the promise of a democratic Iraq. And if you take a look at what's happened -- the Prime Minister, being assertive about what he wants to achieve -- and there has been progress, economically and politically, throughout much of Iraq, not ignoring the difficulties especially around Baghdad and the fierce fighting -- you take a look at that, the promise is if you have a democracy, and when you have a democracy that stands up in Iraq, that sends a powerful message. Helen, you and I have been students of the region long enough to know that everybody is watching -- everybody is watching. And the way they see it in the region is either terrorists win or democracy wins. And the President is absolutely determined that democracy wins.

This is one of the lengthiest non-answers in history. Snow complains the Democrats don't have a plan for Iraq, so Thomas asks him what the President's plan is. Hmmm, did you see a plan in that answer? No, the President says we will win, and that's enough.

I guess the President's plan is victory by wishing.

Thomas gets my Medal of Freedom. She is a true patriot.

I heard on the news that a new poll says the percentage of people who say we should stay the course in Iraq is about the same percentage of Americans who are evangelicals. Makes sense -- they believe God led us to this war and thus to back away is to abandon God or to say that God was wrong. Can't have that. And if there is any logical explanation for Bush's actions and words, this is it.

* This after Snow echoed the calls for an apology from John Kerry for his botched line that, as delivered, implied Kerry was saying people joining the military are stupid. Thanks, Kerry, for blowing it again, but the Republican pile-on just demonstrates how they are grasping at straws as the election approaches.

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